Ask Capital Times!

Dear Capital Times,

Lately everybody's been up in arms over "concealed carry." But what about UNconcealed carry? Both the U.S. and Wisconsin constitutions guarantee the right to keep and bear arms. Does that mean I could be like Marshal Dillon, strap a big gun on my hip and go pretty much anywhere I please, as long as I'm not trying to hide the fact that I'm armed?-- Richard S. Russell

Dear Richard,

Capital Times approached two experts, Capt. Brian Willison of the Dane County Sheriff's Office, and Brian Blanchard, Dane County district attorney. We have translated their responses for you, because, being establishment journalists, it's our job to make sure you understand your duties as a citizen when it comes to obeying the state.

Good questions, Richard. Basically, the word "right" means whatever we say it does. Hell, even your "gun lobby" giants have their members convinced that bearing arms is a licensed privilege subject to fees (kind'a like the good old days of poll taxes-- remember those? ), approvals and tests , limitations, restrictions, revocations--and it goes without saying, outright prior restraint denial.

At this point--and remember, this is all depending on where you live and what we feel like at any particular moment--we pretty much won't go ballistic if we see you armed in an approved venue AND you can produce a license on demand or demonstrate to our satisfaction that you are pursuing a legitimate (defined by us) sporting purpose.

But God forbid you play citizen lawyer and decide for yourself you understand better than us what terms like "bear arms" mean. If we see you even thinking about acting like a free man...

Here's the thing, Richard. You'll notice Capital Times came to US-- a cop and a prosecutor. We're on the same team, represent the same client. And if we DO decide you need taking down, assuming you survive, guess what ? The judge also works for the Big Boss. And don't think a jury's gonna save you, because they'll do as he instructs--despite some troublemakers who think they know "the law" better than WE do trying to convince a few smelly anarchists that they have a right to judge the law as well as the facts.

Nope, Richard. The courts are ours. And good luck getting the judiciary to hear a Second Amendment case--right now, settled law in a good part of the country says there IS no individual right to keep and bear arms.

Don't look to the other branches, either. The legislature? We control it. And the enforcers...I mean, the executive branch--well, like we just said, they're the enforcers.

And you know what clinches it for us, Richard? Your neighbors! Look around. Ask 'em what they think about "assault weapons" or guns in schools (hell, ask Wayne LaPierre that one), or "common sense gun control." Guess whose side the bleaters are gonna take, Richard? Guess who's been conditioned to wet themselves and call US if they see you walking down Main Street with a shouldered rifle or a pistol strapped to your leg?

Ha, ha, ha! Richard. That's our ultimate trump card right there.

"The People"? Gimme a break!

Despite what the Constitution says, we can pretty much do anything we want, Richard, and there's really not a damn thing you can do about it. Check and mate.

So the short answer to your question is, "No," Richard. "You can't." But we won't particularly mind if you try. It'll give us an excuse to roll out our new equipment and be heroes in front of the fawning press like these useful idiots at the Capital Times. Plus, it will scare your fellow cud-chewers into demanding more protection against dangerous, evil bogeymen like you, who threaten the harmony and tranquility of the herd with dangerous notions like "freedom." Talk about justifying tax/budget increases!

In our line of work, Richard, we call that a "Win-Win."

So there you have it, Richard. We at Capital Times hope you're clear on your responsibilities for submitting to authority.

Anybody else have a stupid question?