The Deadly Assault Sausage

A man was charged with battery after he hit his mother in the head with a three-pound package of Polish sausage, police said.

It's dumb, but I read this and wondered if he'd have been charged with sausage if he'd hit her with batteries.

I go this from the MSSA, who ask:

What on Earth can the government be thinking about, allowing these large, dangerous sausages to be sold to any member of the public? Isn't it time for sausage control, allowing no sausages to be sold that are larger than standard American hot dogs? After all, no real American really needs a sausage larger than the all-American hot dog.

This tragic Florida case just proves that larger sausages will cause people to turn violent. Large sausages should be restricted to responsible government employees only, such as the BATFEEEEE annual "good old boys" rally in the South, and perhaps for feeding company-sized units of Marines.

Further, the less dangerous American hot dogs should be restricted to packages of no more than three. If anyone really needs more than three hot dogs, they can buy more packages, but perhaps not on one day.

Wherever good people concerned about mother mayhem gather, let them raise their voices against the evils of inordinately large and dangerous Polish sausages, infiltrating America from the once-Communist Poland, and crowding out the more benign and traditional American hot dog.