...Merkel said there are three things shoppers need to know if they are trapped in a chaotic shooting situation inside a mall.
First, stand still.
"They're going to pick out individuals who are running to or away from them," Merkel said. "Standing still may keep you from becoming a victim."
Correspondent Mack, who first alerted me to this story, tells me Merkel is running for sheriff.
In the interests of presenting the chief's citizen defense platform to his voting constituents, I've taken the liberty of preparing the following billboard prototype to illustrate what I've decided to call "Merkel's Mall Maxim":
See, it's a...a metaphor. The gunman could be either the mall shooter or one of Merkel's "Only Ones" qualified enough to engage and return fire, and the cow standing still, too witless and helpless to act in its own defense, represents... uh... you in Merkel's eyes, or at least someone who would vote for him.
If the campaign decides to use these billboards, they can also be adapted. For instance, the caption could read "Like Shooting Cows in a Barrel" or...I don't know. Feel free to leave suggestions in "Comments," below.
And if you're wondering why I didn't make one of those moving slide shows like I have for the "Burma Shave" signs, well, that wouldn't be very illustrative of Merkel's Mall Maxim, would it?
6 comments:
This reminds me of one of Jimmy Stewart's lines in It's a Wonderful Life. George Bailey is talking to old man Potter and he accurately asesses, "People were human beings to him, but to you a warped, frustrated old man they're cattle!"
Your billboard concept is hilarius and spot-on!
Great billboard!
A future Burma-Shave sign sequence would be hilarious (time permitting).
Of course the Burma Shave signs are still; it's you in your car that's moving!
Say, what if someone fired back at Merkel -- what would he do?
Rand:
Think: deer and headlights.
From Merkel's campaign website: "He believes that his success was based on promoting this cherished relationship built on a shared trust and the belief that law-abiding citizens deserve input into their public safety through every citizen’s participation. His philosophy provides a catalyst for encouraging citizens to share in the opportunity to enhance their community’s public safety and he believes will create the atmosphere for an improved quality of life....
"Texas Chief Merkel encourages citizen volunteerism...."
Unless, of course, the citizens actually do anything to protect themselves, their families, and their neighbors, other than dialing 911 and waiting for Shepherd Merkel to show up and bag the bodies.
Too funny!
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